E - Everyone

Crashing

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I woke up gasping, reaching for air, before settling myself back on the bed in the small cot, and a frustrated sigh escaped my lips. Hearing dishes clash, a cup was set on the table next to me. I caught a whiff of the contents and wasn't surprised when the smell pleased me, instead of the usual fowl metallic odor.

"your awake?" A saddened voice asked. "How do you feel?"

I turned my face to the man, who emitted desperation but chose to

push a smile on his face. Such a sad smile, but I too was exhausted with our cat-and-mouse game and could humor him no more.

"Why did you do this?" I wasn't angry with him, I expected this to happen. I just thought it wouldn't come so soon, he was usually harmless.

The man didn't answer me instead raising the glass to his lip taking a long sip before stretching the cup out to me. I felt a calling to also drink, but I wasn't going to lose to some odd feeling.

"It may be weird to drink, but you'll get use to it," The man ignored me. I wonder if he was afraid to answer me? "You won't have to harvest anyone. I'll do it for you... until you're ready to do it yourself."

I gave the man a glare, and he immediately avoided my sight.

"You need to drink. You must be starving after the turn...please drink. " He offered.

"That's why she left you, isn't it? She knew you were gonna try to turn her- me into some monster." I spoke with ease, and strategy hoping my words cut him like silver.

" I-I loved your mother very much," The man withdrew the cup and held it close to him avoiding my eyes, and a feeling of hunger began creep on me. "maybe a little too much, and when she had you I was ecstatic." A smile crept on the mans lips as he remembered something I couldn't. "but I never expected her to-"

He never finished, but instead nervously rubbed his arm. Sitting up in the cot, my hunger began to annoyed me, but my irritation was directed at him. "But why did you lie to her?"

"I didn't mean to- I just knew she would leave if I told her."

I sighed, even more frustrated with him, but pushed the feeling aside, I had to leave someone's waiting. Pushing the covers aside I swung my legs over the side and stood only to slump back down.

My father held me as I slumped in his arms. "The turn has made you weak," He said setting me back in the bed with much protest from me. "Please, if you won't rest, you must drink." He pleaded.

"I want to go home." I whined to him, but he looked a lose for words.

"I'm sorry love, I-I don't think they'll let you go back," He tried to reason with me. "....and I wanted you to stay with me." His eyes seemed to plead every fiber of my being.

"J-Just, leave me alone, I'm tired." I quickly pulled the covers over my head hiding from his desperate eyes.

"...Ok, I'll leave you to rest. So, I'll be out for a bit, but there's a cup on the desk when you're ready." I listened till I heard the door close.

Waiting a while, I threw the covers off, and tried to stand wobbling a bit willing myself to a balance. Immediately my teeth began to hurt. Covering my mouth in pain I went to the door of the cottage, and peeked out looking for my father, but instead found a red-headed boy, illuminated by the moon. The boy was carrying bags, and a harmless smile.

"Ah! So your his daughter." The boy exclaimed, then curiosity over came him. "What wrong with your mouth?"

I ignored the boy and went on my way. I knew my way back to the clan village as father had always told me the way in hope that I might visit him.

"Hey ma'am, where are you going?" The boy followed, and I assumed he would leave if I ignored him, but he just quietly fell in step with me.

I suddenly moaned in pain, with a hint of frustration and hunger.

"Ma'am, are you ok? You've been holding your mouth the whole time. Let me see." The boy pulled at my hand and I didn't resist, I was a bit curious what was hurting me.

Opening me mouth wide for the boy. He suddenly rummaged through his bag offering a bottle with red liquid and scoffed at me. "Your V-teeth are coming, yah must be hungry, did yah eat?"

I huffed. "You're a vampire too? "

"Yep" The boy smiled.

I rubbed my temples hopping it'd calm my hunger. "Why are you following me? "

"Your dad said to come with yah. Cause yah new and all, I'll help yah settle."

"No, I'm not gonna settle." I continued walking, knowing the village wasn't too far now." I'm going back to my village, and you can't follow it's a clan that doesn't like Vampires."

I heard the boy follow. "Wait, so then why are you going. You're a Vampire."

"I have someone waiting for me." I grumbled more to myself then the boy.

"Who? An admirer? Yah gonna bring him back to our village?"

"No! no, j-just stop following me. You'll get hurt." I tried.

"Ha! I'm a Vampire, haven't been hurt in a long while."

"Whatever." I grumbled feeling nauseous.

"Yah know, yah pop's will love it if yah brought a man home. He dots on you lot's a time. Saying yah gonna come visit him, and he'd show yah off. " The boy began walking backwards while facing me. "Why don't cha visit him often? He really love yah?"

"When you love someone do you leave a mark on their back? Do you drag them out of their village so you can turn them?" The boy seemed to be caught in thought.

"Kid, do even know him?" I raised my eye at the boy, and he began to walk normal.

"Well I just remember him when he first turned. He came around the village begging to be turned."

"What?" I stopped in my tracks. "H-He wasn't always a Vampire."

"Yah didn't know miss?" The boy slowed down. "He had some illness, and begged my father to turn him cause he was having a baby soon."

"I didn't know." I breath out in a whisper, but still continued my walk feeling a bit weak.

"I was kinda sad when he came back to the village empty handed one day. Saying how his girl didn't want him."

"- Ma'am, Is that your village up ahead?" The red-head boy asked.

We had finally reached my village and I put the budding new feeling of my father aside, quickening my steps to the gatekeeper.

"Hello," I smiled to the gatekeeper and his dog. "I need to pass-"

The dog began to growl at me raising his heckle high.

"Get away from him!" The red-head pulled me away from the dog. "He sniffs out Vampires."

"Vampires!" The gatekeeper yelled causing people to appear with weapons at the gate.

"Kid, move they know me, it's fine." I pushed the boy aside, and spoke to the clan. "Gatekeeper, baker, you all know me! Why are you becoming hostile?" I reasoned.

"Little miss," The gatekeeper spoke. "It's just that-"

"Please-" I walked close feeling a bit dizzy, I closed the distance between myself and the gatekeeper , and a erratic hunger overcame me as I held the man close and sunk my teeth into his arm, drinking the liquid from him.

The man screamed bashing my head with his fist as I ripped myself away from him. I fell to the floor shocked.

"W-what happened?" I stared at the blood on my hands.

"Ma'am, You should have eaten !" The boy pulled me away from the people. "We have to go!"

I couldn't move, my action shocked me to the core. How could I have done something like that?

"Monster! Animal!" The clan called me. It hurt.

I watched as they readied their spears to attack us, but closed my eyes as the spears fell.

"Tulip, are you ok?" I heard my name, and opened my eyes to see my father shielding us. "I-I followed you..if that's ok?" Father straightened himself before giving the people a look that made them quickly retreat.

I watched as blood poured from his back and I began to cry.

"Tulip, are you hurt?" My father franticly searched me for any wounds.

"Daddy, mom's still in there!" I sobbed.

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User avatar
Elijah
Review
Elijah wrote a review · Wed Apr 27, 2016 3:24 pm

King Here

Hello there. I will now check your work and go through it. It looks like a really good work, I hope you do not mind, if I read and review at the same time with the editing/correcting, because it is the easier way for me in general. So let's start, shall we?
I lvoe the idea of this work and it is a really deep emotional story. So, I am glad that I found it.
Now I will start reading,editing and telling you my honest opinion about each part.



Editing Zone



"your awake?" A saddened voice asked. "How do you feel?"


This is the appearance of the father, I think? Well, anyways, 'your awake' is wrong. I think mistakes like that are made casually. It needs to be 'You are awake?' or 'Are you awake?'.
'How do you feel?' is not in the right tense for this situation. It is for her current condition, so
How are you feeling?.

I turned my face to the man, who emitted desperation but chose to

push a smile on his face. Such a sad smile, but I too was exhausted with our cat-and-mouse game and could humor him no more.
"Why did you do this?" I wasn't angry with him, I expected this to happen. I just thought it wouldn't come so soon, he was usually harmless.



The first line and the second need to be together, as they are not part of a poetry or lyrics, they are one sentence, after all. After the comma you can start seperate like this. You need one comma, too, before but .
It needs to be like this:

I turned my face to the man, who emitted desperation, but chose to push a smile on his face.Such a sad smile.....

(many edits I need to make so will go on like this)

The man didn't answer me , instead of that he put the glass close to his lip , taking a long sip before stretching the cup out to me.



"That's why she left you, isn't it? She knew you were gonna try to turn her- me into some kind of monster." I spoke with ease, and strategy hoping my words cut him like silver.

" I-I loved your mother so much," The man withdrew the cup and held it close to him , avoiding my eyes, and a feeling of hunger began creep on me. " Maybe a little too much, and when she had you I was going to be ecstatic." A smile crept on the man 's lips as he remembered something I couldn't. "but I never expected her to-"

He never finished, but instead of that, he nervously rubbed his arm.


"I'm sorry, love, I-I don't think they'll let you go back," He tried to think of a reason. "....and I wanted you to stay with me." His eyes seemed to plead every fiber of my being.


"J-Just, leave me alone, I'm tired." I quickly pulled the covers over my head ,hiding from his desperate eyes.

"...Ok, I'll let you to rest. So, I'll be out for a bit, but there's a cup on the desk when you're ready." I listened till I heard the door close.

Waiting a while, I threw the covers off, and tried to stand wobbling a bit willing myself to a balance. Immediately my teeth began to hurt. Covering my mouth in pain I went to the door of the cottage, and peeked out looking for my father, but instead of that I found a red-headed boy, illuminated by the moon. The boy was carrying bags, and a harmless smile.

"Ah! So you're his daughter." The boy exclaimed, then curiosity over came him. "What wrong with your mouth?"



"Ma'am, are you ok? You've been holding your mouth the whole time. Let me see." The boy pulled at my hand and I didn't resist, I was a bit curious what was hurting me.


You can not hold your mouth, but if you meant it this way still, show us that she had put her hand over her lips.

Opening my mouth wide for the boy. He suddenly rummaged through his bag offering a bottle with red liquid and scoffed at me. "Your V-teeth are coming, yah must be hungry, did yah eat?"

I huffed. "You're a vampire ,too? "


I heard the boy follow. "Wait, so then why are you going. You're a vampire. "

"No! no, j-just stop following me. You'll get hurt." I tried to stop the boy.



The dog began to growl at me , raising his heckle high.



The man screamed, bashing my head with his fist as I ripped myself away from him. I fell to the floor shocked.


I love the story for now. I hope you go on, so I can understand what is happening. I hope I helped with all I could. Good job.

Thank you for taking the time to review my work, I'll be editing it soon.

User avatar
Soulfulwriter
Review

Hi it's SoulFul with a review.

Review, I don't know how to do the fancy stuff, but here it goes.

"Your awake" = You're awake

chose to push...I didn't know it was a sentence. A simple backspace can fix it.

'answer me?' I think there should be a period. I hope you know where i am talking about, it's at the beginning of the story. When he is refusing to answer her.

"maybe"= Maybe needs to be capitalized.

"I'm sorry, love." Should have a period then start another sentence.

"Yep," punctuation.

Hopping=Hoping

"Why are you going." There should be a question mark there.

Dots=dotes

do even know him= do you even know him, I think that's what you were trying to say.

"Well I just remember," I believe there should be a comma between well and I.

That's all for now. Oh, I do love the story and I hope you continue it soon. Write the right way.

Thanks for the review, I'll be editing it with the corrections you gave me. :D

you are welcome. I would have gotten to more, but the teacher started passing out the exams.



A poet is, before anything else, a person who is passionately in love with language.
— W.H. Auden